- Can you afford not to take me up on this offer – where you get 40 years’ worth of sales experience distilled into one comprehensive program–for $50% off the full price?
Well, we’ve got a dash followed by two hyphens (which I know are difficult to see), and then there’s that “$50% off” phrase. Accepted style would be 50% off, or, better, 50 percent.
2) I assume you realize by now this is very advanced training and coaching platform and an elite group of high-level Entrepreneurs right here in the South Florida….
Don’t underline for emphasis; it’s so ’80s. Plus, does he mean “for an elite…”? (Otherwise, the sentence makes no sense.) Plus, “entrepreneurs” is not a proper noun and shouldn’t be capitalized. Plus, what’s up with all the ellipses? That’s a really annoying habit when you meet it four (or eight) times in one email.
3) NOTE — This was a “one-time-only”, deeply-discounted opportunity for being at the event in person.
First thing: commas and periods are always placed inside quotation marks in American English. Always. Second thing: don’t hyphenate an -ly adverb. Third thing: “being at the event” means, to my mind, that you were there “in person,” so why be redundant? Fourth thing: ditch the underlining.
4) All based on my 19+ years of proven, experienced-based reuslts in the sales and marketing arena, having built three 7-figure businesses before the age of 41.
Geez-us, please-us, can’t you spell? If you can’t, with all that money you’ve made, you need to hire a frigging secretary! Plus, cut out all the underlining!
5) What Navy SEAL’s Know About Success [This is a fragment.]
The plural of an acronym without periods is formed by adding a lowercase “s”: SEALs.
6) I am reaching out to you and we want to be sure that you enjoy yourself and that you received XYZ’s email.
Spare me the trite phrase “reach out” to whatever. Plus, you “want to be sure that” I “enjoy” myself? Excuse me? Plus, this is a great example of a run-on sentence.
7) It’s a world where Entrepreneurs and Business Owners come who seek dramatic, fast business growth, greater control and leverage…
Don’t capitalize nouns that aren’t proper nouns because you think that doing so makes people feel more important. Words like entrepreneur, business owner, visitor, guest, and so on are just not proper nouns, and capitalizing those words makes you look, well, silly. Plus, I would have used “dramatic” and left it at that.
8) It’s why we’ve become known as, “The Place For Prosperity.”
Gee. No comma after “as.” Plus, don’t combine quotes and italics.
9) In order to get the professionally-produced HD Quality replay of this event, you must register…
Don’t hyphenate an -ly adverb. I would, however, hyphenate “HD-quality,” but I’d lowercase “quality.” And no reason to tack on that ellipsis (which should be a 4-point ellipsis anyway) at the end of that sentence. Makes you sound uncertain, like a wimp, when you…trail…off…like that….
10) You are receiving this Email because you have signed into one of my web sites or you’ve purchased a product or training from me online or in person. There is no other way for this Email to be triggered. If you are independently wealthy already and cannot benefit from my two decades of proven, experience-based sales and marketing advice, click the link below to unsubscribe from any future Emails. Or, you may update your Email address below as well:
Don’t you hate the vaguely threatening and totally condescending tone of this bit at the end? Plus, email shouldn’t be capitalized. Plus, “website’ is one word: it’s 2016, dude.
And, no way I’m going to “unsubscribe.” For an editor to demonstrate bad writing…you’re the bomb! In fact, I await your next installment, which I’m sure will come again like a soft, springtime shower, with bated breath. O, Speak again, bright angel….
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