I get the fact that lots of people have content thrust upon them from their Mother Ship. Yup, I get it. However, just because content has been thrust upon you doesn’t relieve you of the responsibility of looking it over, popping it into spellcheck, and making corrections, even if you have to ask the home office for permission prior to doing anything.
In this case, I attended a very well-run meeting this morning and, when I got back to the office, I looked up the facilitator’s bio information. What you are seeing is not the information on this person’s “official” work website; rather, it’s on a networking site. Considering how many people have to post biographical and professional information on various sites, I thought it would be a helpful exercise to look at the original writing first, followed by a line edit, and then a rewrite. The misspelling of Martin Luther King Jr.’s name was especially unfortunate, I felt.
It took me longer to “disguise” the person and the company than it did to actually do the edit.
You need to really work on these online bios, everyone. Write, edit, rewrite. You never know who will look at your information!
Original: My Business
I am an Agent licensed to sell insurance through RAF Insurance Company, and may be licensed with various other independent unaffiliated insurance companies in the state of ABC and XYZ. No insurance business may be conducted outside the state referenced. Additionally, I am a Registered Representative of and offer securities products & services through RAF Securities LLC, (Member FINRA/SIPC), A Licensed Insurance Agency. 309 Dr. Martin Luether King Jr. Blvd. Ste 320, EXY, FY, 12345. In this regard, this communication is strictly intended for individuals residing in the states of ABC. No offers may be made or accepted from any resident outside the specific state(s) referenced. Neither RAF Insurance Company, nor its agents, provides tax, legal, or accounting advice. Please consult your own tax, legal, or accounting professional before making any decisions.
Line edit: My Business
I am an Agent licensed to sell insurance through RAF Insurance Company, and may be licensed with various other independent unaffiliated [Rule: “independent” and “unaffiliated” are coordinate adjectives, and, as such, need a comma between them.] insurance companies in the state [Needs to be plural: “states.”] of ABC and XYZ. No insurance business may be conducted outside the state [Two states means that this should be plural: states.] referenced. Additionally, I am a Registered Representative of and offer securities products & [I am not a fan of an ampersand unless it is part of the legal name of a business. It has no business here.] services through RAF Securities LLC, (Member FINRA/SIPC), A Licensed Insurance Agency. [Need a comma, not a period, here.] 309 Dr. Martin Luether [“Luther”] King Jr. Blvd. [Add a comma after “Blvd.”] Ste [This is an abbreviation, and so needs a period. But, since space is not an issue, I’m going to spell it out.] 320, EXY, FY, 12345. In this regard, this communication is strictly intended for individuals residing in the states [Need to say “state,” not “states, or rewrite to include XYZ.] of ABC. No offers may be made or accepted from any resident outside the specific state(s) referenced. Neither RAF Insurance Company, [No comma here.] nor its agents, [No comma.] provides [Because of the “nor,” you need to say “provide,” because in an either/or, neither/nor situation, the verb agrees with the noun closest to it.] tax, legal, or accounting advice. Please consult your own tax, legal, or accounting professional before making any decisions.
Corrected: My Business
I am an Agent licensed to sell insurance through RAF Insurance Company, and may be licensed with various other independent, unaffiliated insurance companies in the states of ABC and XYZ. No insurance business may be conducted outside the states referenced. Additionally, I am a Registered Representative of and offer securities products and services through RAF Securities LLC, (Member FINRA/SIPC), a Licensed Insurance Agency, 309 Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., Suite 320, EXY, FY, 12345. In this regard, this communication is strictly intended for individuals residing in the states of ABC and XYZ. No offers may be made or accepted from any resident outside the specific states referenced. Neither RAF Insurance Company nor its agents provide tax, legal, or accounting advice. Please consult your own tax, legal, or accounting professional before making any decisions.
Note: I let this sit for a week, and came back and tweaked it up a bit. It’s the nature of the beast. Keep polishing and refining; there will come a moment when you know you’ve done all you can.
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